My Body Hates Christmas, My Heart Doesn’t

Many people have traditions on Christmas. All I can tell you is that my nervous system certainly does. I often wonder if other people get as anxious as I do around the holidays. Big gatherings with people you don't know too well, loud voices all talking over even louder music, the expectation to behave a certain way while giving and receiving presents,. These are all parts of the holiday that I find challenging. Being autistic certainly makes things a little more challenging. My grandmother also died between the week of Christmas and New Year, so it's all just a bit much for me.

This Christmas morning I threw up in my mouth a little bit because of how excited I was. At least I think it was excitement. Maybe it was anxiety and grief and excitement all wrapped into one Christmas-shaped spew of puke in my mouth. It was just a little bit, though. I just think it would be disingenuous if I lied and said that Christmas was all just easy-peasy for me.

I was brave, however. I picked up my iPad and learned some Japanese, went on a walk in the cold, and distracted myself with Grinch-shaped pancakes; and over the course of about an hour, my anxiety started to disappear. For me, anxiety can be curbed by moving my body. Sometimes I will clean my whole house to shed some of that adrenaline, sometimes I will go on a walk. I don't understand how some people like to take a bath when they're stressed. It sounds like stewing, literally.

Once I had gotten past that, though, and both sets of grandparents showed up, I started to feel better. I showed off Cosmos' costume and his Santa hat (it was a big hit).

I really love going to my partner's family's home for Christmas Day. It is easily the best place I have ever spent Christmas. I love how everyone gets along. People talk and make jokes, and everyone goes crazy with the presents. Truly, I get so spoiled every year. It's such a foreign concept to me: family getting you something they'd know you'd like because they actually listen.

When I was living with my dad and my grandma, they'd maybe get me something if I asked, but if I wasn't specific, I would get some crap my dad stole off someone else's porch. (I still have tennis rackets he stole when I was 9... pretty good quality, to be honest.) But they never really knew me or had any clue of what I would actually like to receive.

Sometimes I wonder what the dynamic would be if my grandma were still alive to attend a family dinner with my partner's family. I also fantasize about what it would be like to spend Christmas Day with my brothers; we never have before.

That's just my mind wandering, though, not helpful in any way. It's just how my grief manifests around the holidays, that and, of course, my nervous system betraying me.

It was such a good Christmas I almost feel bad for enjoying it so much with my grandma and dad gone. Is that bad? Should I just try and move on so that next Christmas I can just enjoy it without guilt? That sounds ideal.

I am just so happy. It was so warm and cozy and happy and ugh… my heart is full. I am one lucky AJ. Here’s to a great new year ;)